Erica on gaining strength while confronting fears

Just a few months ago, if you asked me to answer some questions about myself, I probably would have told you that I felt shame for my sexual orientation, that I didn’t consider myself a feminist, and that my biggest fear was great white sharks. Needless to say, things have changed.

Exactly one year ago, in February of 2009, I preformed in the Vagina Monologues. Standing in front of 1,000 people, with 20 other incredible women, I began to learn what it meant to be proud of my gender, my sexual orientation, and my ability to affect change in the world. But the transformation was not complete. During the Vagina Monologues, we learned about the women of Democratic Republic of the Congo. We learned that 75% of all rapes in the entire world happen in the DRC. The heart and soul and strength of the DRC, its women and children, are being subjected to torture and what can only be considered femicide. As we raised money to build a City of Hope refugee center for these women, we became educated about their situation. I was absolutely blown away at how the women of the DRC continued to seamlessly weave strength, hope, and inspiration into every aspect of their lives, even after experiencing such trauma. It was because of the Vagina Monologues that my heart really began to yearn for Africa—I called my mother in hysterics, exactly one year ago from today, telling her (no longer asking her at this point) that I was going to Africa.

And now, one year later, I’m here. And the transformation I have experienced since my arrival here one and half months ago is indescribable. It was only during the Vagina Monologues that I really began to learn about feminism…and my question is: Why? Why was I 19 years old when my educators first gave me the resources to learn what it meant to be a feminist? I’m officially embarrassed of my ignorance—I thought that women already had equal rights. That feminism was a dead issue. That there was no such thing as male privilege. That feminism was just tiresome complaining. Though a sexist society surrounded me in every single aspect of my life, I was downright OBLIVIOUS to the world around me, even though it compromised MY OWN rights as a woman. The spark was simply ignited with the Vagina Monologues, but now, here in South Africa, it has become a fire within me and there is nothing in the world that could extinguish it.

I think it might have been Brittany shaving her head. That’s when it really hit me. What are the chains that bind females to their hair? A fear of not being “feminine” enough? A fear of “not looking pretty anymore”? Basically, a fear that a man would no longer accept a woman if she parted from that precious hair. But the minute Brittany shaved her head, I knew that all of those gender stereotypes, everything I had been taught by society my entire life, were wrong, When I saw Brittany with her head shaved, I didn’t see masculinity. I didn’t see ugliness. I didn’t see shame. Instead, in front of me, stood the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. The strength of the women living in this household with me, and the strength of every single South African woman I have met since I have come here, is absolutely contagious! I hear so many of the girls say, “This is one of the healthiest living environments I have ever been in.” That’s because, for many of us, this is our first time being surrounded by constant encouragement to love the skin we’re in, to embrace our bodies and our souls, and to view ourselves in a way that the sexist societies we come from would deem “incorrect”.

Since my arrival here in Cape Town, I have rallied in front of Parliament to end the attacks on the LGBTI community in Uganda. I have gone to a documentary on three lesbian women living in Orthodox Jewish communities in Israel and I have learned what keeping quiet because of fear can do to the soul of a person. Next Friday, I’ll be partaking in Pride Week, a festival to celebrate the LGBTI community here in Cape Town. Two nights ago, we had some people over from the Gender Equity Unit at the University of the Western Cape. I met a woman named Thozama who runs a program called “Loud Enough” that helps the LGBTI community at UWC feel confident in themselves. Thozama said, “I started this program with 50 students, and now I have 30. Why is that? It’s because they are afraid. It’s fear of their families, of their friends, of their communities.” I know this kind of fear that Thozama was talking about. I’ve experienced it first hand because I am a bisexual woman. For 10 years I have struggled with my own sexual orientation and my own feelings of shame for something I now am finally beginning to realize I have absolutely no control over and should feel absolutely no shame for. I have finally, finally begun to accept myself and love myself. I have finally begun to stand up for my gender and for my identity. And this is the strongest I have ever been in my entire life. I couldn’t have accomplished this without the eye-opening experiences I am having here in South Africa.

Up until last Saturday, great white sharks were my biggest fear. I couldn’t even look at a picture. Swimming in any ocean could turn into a panic attack in seconds. I was literally paralyzed with fear. And then, last Saturday, myself and 5 other brave souls climbed into a cage, went under water, and got up close and personal with great white sharks. I did not even hesitate for a second when it was time for me to get in the cage. I could not believe how easy it was to face my fear. And that’s what South Africa has done for me. I am the strongest I have ever been, physically and emotionally, and there is no longer an excuse to let myself be paralyzed with fear.

So go ahead and ask me. Am I feminist? The answer is a giant YES. Do I feel shame for my gender or my sexual orientation? The answer is a giant NO. Is my biggest fear a great white shark? Absolutely not. Today, my biggest fear is living in a society where I cannot love myself. My biggest fear is living in a society where every human being is not granted equal rights and equal opportunities. My biggest fear is living in a society that acts as a great white shark, but provides no cage for protection. However, this kind of fear does not leave me paralyzed. Instead, this fear makes me more active than ever as I brace myself to affect change in this world.

Bring on the sharks. I have bigger things to worry about.