Adam's tug of war

 I’ve been back in America for over five months now.  Storrs, CT is not quite as I remember it.  The main campus has been put into a state of total renovation that has closed off areas I used to take for granted.  The weather is changing and for the first time in several months I feel cold when I step out my front door.  I’m miles from the ocean and beaches.  I’m bogged down with schoolwork and applying for law school.  Storrs Fall 2010 is definitely no Cape Town Spring 2010.

All the time I find myself craving to be back in Cape Town.  There was always so much excitement and interesting things to do.  When I left I felt I had just gotten into the groove of things; the walk to my internship, the mini-bus taxis, and just the entire Capetonian way of life.  There is just so much nostalgia when I look back at my whole experience that it feels a little overwhelming.  When I left I felt as if I had just gotten to know a good friend and then was ripped away to go back home.  It is a homesick sort of feeling that I’ve only ever felt in much smaller doses than I do now.

When I am home I just feel so much more pressure to prove myself.  I have to get all A’s, I have to break a 160 on the LSAT’s, I have to go to a good law school.  In Cape Town there wasn’t any of this stress.  I just lived without constantly worrying about the future.  I lived more in the moment, which now that I’m home is proving to be more and more difficult to do.  It makes me think is it impossible for me to find that state of being that I was in during my time in Cape Town?  Is it possible for me to live in the moment in Storrs, at home in New York, or wherever I go after graduation? 

            

It is the longing for the past that pulls me in one direction and the uncertainty of the future that tugs me the other way.  This tug of war leaves me exhausted and anxious.  It becomes clear to me that what I must do for both the present and the future is find that center, that Cape Town way of life.