Leah asks if she fulfilled what she came here to fulfill

 It has come to that point in the trip. All that is on my mind is one question: “Have I fulfilled what I came here to fulfill?” At first, I answered this question by thinking of the different activities that I have taken part in and those that I had yet to complete. I bungee jumped off of the highest bungee in the world, I have visited all of the historic sites in the city, I have had an amazing internship, etc. Still, I must visit the National Gallery, the Holocaust Museum. But these answers did not satisfy me. This analysis and even interpretation of my own question did not seem to sum up my trip. It is not so concrete.

When I do not have an answer to a question, it plagues me by hanging in the back of my mind – especially when it is a question about how I feel or what I think. I mean, those should be the easy ones, right? So I have been turning this issue over in my head, and I still am. Is South Africa all I thought it would be? Is it more? Less? Different? And perhaps more importantly: So what? What now? How is this trip going to fit into my life – my real life in America?

I think I have come to the conclusion. If not an objective, permanent conclusion, at least one that is satisfying me for now. The answer to the question is illustrated in my inability to answer it. Let me explain. The reason I cannot answer complete, final questions about this trip and what it has meant to me is that this experience did change me. I internalized so much and this experience has become a part of me. I have not experienced a string of exciting events for a semester, I have altered myself.

My lens through which I see the world has been opened. The curtain which shielded me from seeing certain issues before has been removed. I do not have to worry about remembering every single little thing that I have learned in South Africa because I have changed. Irreversibly, I will never not see racism, sexism, classism, agism, or any other –ism.

From the people with whom I have lived, I have learned to love and accept myself. As corny as that sounds, it is entirely true. Never before have I lived in such a healthy environment full of self-love. Before this trip, I did not think I needed to look internally or focus on myself too much. I felt as though I was fairly happy with myself and my body, and that was enough. Learning from everyone I have lived with, I have begun to recognize my strengths, my faults, and love them all.

I cannot answer the question “Have I fulfilled what I came here to fulfill?” It is not about doing things, having fun, changing the world, or getting teaching experience. It is not about that and never has been about that. In no way could I have expected to change the way I have.

Such a question is entirely defunct at this point. Thankfully.